The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

 Wait wait, the story doesn’t start here!  This is a blog hop, people!High Anxiety Blog Hop
Click HERE to start from the beginning.

 

 

I stepped closer. “Whoa! Is that what I think it is?!”

The Cretin Brothers took a step back. Disbelief shown on their ugly faces. Reaching around in the purse my hand found my lipstick tube. I flicked it open and pepper spray hit both of the ugly Midnight Movers.
“Ooops”  I said.

My heart thudded as the immediate arresting thoughts slammed me:

  1. I’d forgotten to re-stock the Xanax in this purse
  2. The phone number for 911 had completely escaped my mind
  3. That tube of lipstick had better not be lost. Revlon discontinued that shade
  4. The portable charger was easy to find in my bag
  5. We’re gonna need a bigger boat

As the ugly stick kids gagged and wiped at their eyes I hobbled over to the item they’d dropped. Tears of gratitude welled in my eyes. Bending down I grabbed the extension cord and plugged it into the charger. In an utterly selfless act I aimed the rounded end of the object towards Tall Guy’s tuchus. With a mighty push on the wheels a glow and hum began to emanate from the missile shaped package. They suddenly understood. Mascara running down his cheeks, Tall reached down to grab his ankles.

Short dark and ugly stood by and watched as the A-Bomb shot directly towards his comrade’s backside “Oh dear Gods! It’s a giant…..

Click HERE to continue the story!

 

I Put the Lime in the Coconut



Things could be worse. My girlfriend Susan called this morning. She had a flat affect to her voice. Weird for her. She always cheers me up. We’ve been friends for close to 15 years. Met her in Idyllwild when I opened my first retail store.
Susan was a rep for several game and toy manufacturers and came into my store one day.
This fucking wonderfully hysterical woman got a $500.00 order out of me that day. We’ve been fast friends since, despite the geographical distance of the past 6 or 7 years.

I asked what was wrong.
Turns out she had had a wicked fall from her bike over the weekend and was now sporting pins, plates and other man-made parts in her ankle. Oh yeah, and a buttload of vicodin. Lucky bitch.
She said “Oh Rachael I had a freak accident.”
Naturally it was all I could do to keep from saying “Oh God you mean you hit a car full of freaks?”

So she’s laid up in bed for more than a month, and she works strictly on commission. I advised her to have the hubby peel grapes and work overtime. The point is that things could be worse. For me.
Who’s it all about?

Anyway yesterday I was lying on the bed with a heating pad on the neck, shoulders and back of the skull. The pain would not abate. Of course today I’m seriously concerned it’s the friggin blood pressure…. BOOM!
I was listening to the TV because the stereo is out in the living room and I was sick of every song on iTunes.

The two days prior I got in 4 mile sojourns on each afternoon. It felt fabulous. The sky was blue and the river flowed over the rocks and sunlight tickled the remaining leaves on the trees.
Anyway I reach for the remote and take a look at the offerings:
Montel Williams, People’s Court, some soap opera, Dirty Jobs (which I’d already seen), The Bad New Bears 2 (ugh), a trial on Court TV, and then I saw it.
Starstruck.

Holy shit I LOVE this film. Australian and released in 1982. Hell I have the soundtrack on vinyl, purchased at Tower Records in NYC when Tower Records first opened there. Tres cool and hip in the way the Virgin MegaStore in Times Square is now.
Aiii there were no CDs then.

1982 was the same year that Fast Times at Ridgemont High came out. Another fun flick with great tunes and a great sense of the 80’s. Fast Times had a huge release though and a lot of people know it.
Starstruck was an Indie Aussie Music flick. Wow. Talk about three strikes.

Tapeheads belongs in this class as well, although hit was released in 1989. A quirky funny cult music-related flick released with absolutely no publicity or decent release. Tapeheads stars John Cusak and Tim Robbins as well.

Yes I own Fast Times AND Tapeheads. Didn’t think that Starstruck was available.
Gonna put the DVD on my holiday list.
Along with meat, paper towels, moisturizing cream, Iams cat food, new bras and a place to live.

Spent over four hours today at the clinic. Lucky for me I only have to notify 331 partners of the infection.
Okay not really. It’s only 54. Oh all right it was a different kind of medical clinic –sigh-.

One more time it’s a total change of medication. Am titrating off of one that’s been coursing though my system for 12 years. Adding a few scary new ones that require lab tests every 90 days.
The doc says:
“I want to put you on ——– but you’ll gain weight. A lot of weight.”
My reaction?  A blood curdling scream.
He thoughtfully then suggested another two meds with the addition of anxiety medication.
I acquiesced and he called Security to stand down.

Apparently apropos of nothing the blood pressure was 190/138 today.
The nurse took it twice to make sure. I already told the idiot that my blood pressure meds have been gone for a week.
“You know that’s dangerously high. You have to see a doctor immediately.”
“That’s why I’m here” I say
“Yes but we don’t prescribe that type of medication. You’ll have to see another medical clinic.”
“So I guess I’ll stroke-out here then. Do you have pillow and a blankie?”
“No we’ll give you a referral.” The nurse says.

Great. Come to find out after driving across town to another office (four hours later) that in order to be treated for the blood pressure I have to make an appointment in advance with reams of completed paperwork in advance to qualify for the sliding fee scale.
“Yes” I say “But I am going to have a fucking aneurysm today.”
“I’m so sorry but Washoe County is really behind the curve in medical treatment.”
No shit.

Wile E. Coyote
Genius

Well Thanksgiving is coming up shortly. I’ve been invited to the First Annual Thanksgiving Misfits Dinner at a friend’s house.
C’mon sing with me kids ‘Oh we’re on the Island of Misfit Goys…..’

My hosts have invited 7 or 8 people to hang out, watch cheesy/cult/inappropriate movies (piss on football; we’re all geeks here) and then they’re going to prepare a feast for all.

When I say we’re geeks it’s true. The menu was placed into Excel and posted on Google.
Two count ’em TWO types of Meat (with a capital M), potatoes, pies, veggies, rolls (not of fat since I skirted that damned med) crudités, deserts, wines for each course, absurd campy movies and twisted humor all around.
Can’t think of a better way to celebrate “Happy Kill-An-Indigenous-People-and Eat-Till-You-Puke Day.”

I’m there.

Alrighty then time to look over this amazing array of medication bottles and try to ascertain which ones I take tonight and which are taken in the mornings.
Fuck. Better living through chemistry indeed.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Xanax.

~Miss R

Currently listening:
Chase This Light
By: Jimmy Eat World
Release date: 16 October, 2007