Wheelchairs and Ouija and Pink Letters Oh My!

Ouijamistress.com

Header for the new website. Artwork/design by Adam Sendek; Chowderhead Graphics

May get my new Ouija site up this week. Oh sure you’ve been hearing this for a month. It’s become as annoying as your mom shouting ‘Did you bring out ALL your white laundry to the washer? I found a sock under your bed last week. Jesus it was crunchy, how long had it been there?!’
Used to just stare at my brother and walk away. With a little shudder in my step.


April 8 2014
Facebook: Spanky’s Wine Bar Group
via T. Wade Paul

Jazzy Wheelchair for The Wench
Hi Spankers ! Good news, just got off of phone with the Pain Joy…..we stalled at $1100 for Rachael’s chair….We are buying this used chair for her and a car carrier…..which will leave her with 300 bucks….
we will buy a beater chair for the burn with that so her new chair stays nice….A very warm thank you for your efforts…..WE WIN !


April 12
Facebook: Spanky’s Wine Bar Group
Via Jim Hillas

R.C. Black is Rollin'!

Get me some spinners and LEDs ma’ man

Our beloved, buxom, slender, sardonic, sexy Piano Wench! Learning about, and riding on her new Jazzy power chair.


Listen Up. This is Important

In 5 days a miracle occurred. Life saved and changed in the blink of a giant’s eye. I’d had dark thoughts these past weeks. Darker than usual. Out of nowhere, an entire band of beautiful amazing people knocked me on my ass in surprise. With kindness, not sociopathic behavior! Two Spankers, happy Burning Man camper buds, put a page up on FaceBook called ‘Get The Wench Some Wheels.’ You can see what was achieved. Fastest fundraiser in history swear to god. I’m on a roll and gettin’ ‘er done. Check it out.

The past 5 years have convinced me I’m working off Karma from that one past life when I was Eva Braun. Hey, wasn’t that dirndl-wearing freak dead by the time she was 40? In a ditch, covered with petrol? On her wedding day? By the time she was my age she’d been dead for 12 years.
Huh. Maybe I ran over a squirrel or something.

After a few years of waffling (Mmmmm waffles) I decided to clean up my credit. Apparently renting a new apartment requires that I pay to have my own credit report run. Not that living with mom is bad

Alfred Hitchcock impersonates me. Living with my parents.

Jesus. Might as well buy a new house with all the paperwork required. Oh I can’t. My credit is tattered. So I went to FREECreditFREEKarmaInsertCreditFREECardNumberHereFREEItIsFREENoReally.Com
Already know what’s on there.
Purchased three summer homes and twelve new sports cars. For physicians and hospital CEOs. You’d think they’d at least invite me over.
There’s the huge Wall-O-Notation which represents the end of life with PsychoFuck(TM), the second ex-husband. That boulder will be expunged from Experian in another year or so. Trading that asshat for financial ruin was the best deal ever made.
I don’t need all that stuff left behind in Michigan. All I need is this chair…and that thermos. Maybe the lamp.
the jerk

Does a potential creditor gives a flying f*ck that until the past 5 years you had Excellent Grade A Prime credit history? Paid in full mortgages? Obscenely high credit card limits; none ever close to being maxed out, or even carrying a balance? No. It’s always ‘what have you done for me lately?’ Killjoys.

The pink letters. What’s that all about? C’mon you’ve all had a utility shut off at least once. Probably due to forgetting the bill. was due. So the pink? Do corporate interest-suckers feel it’s calming so we’ll open it to find a baby shower announcement?
Not that anyone in their right mind wants to attend a baby shower.

Shouldn’t the final notices be Institutional Green? Hell, I’d open that baby ASAP.  It’s the color of checks. And money. No more debtor’s prison. You just can’t obtain a place to live.  Not even slimy welfare-mother-knife-wielding-ex-con low income housing. No Soup for You!
What’s in your wallet?
Dear god I hope it’s not a Baldwin.
wha's in your wallet motherfcker samuel jackson

 

Right now Badness is Banished! Thoughtful, busy, beautiful people have shown their smiles and concern. These I consider my real family. Besides the Spankers, some of my dearest FB Only friends contributed to the Jazzy. Grand long-time friends too. Wow. I Believed only cute little kids with FDR leg braces or cancer received donations. Bliss and surprise came at THE PERFECT TIME.
The night before the chair unveiling I got a call from Mayor Joey.  He’s explained how fat and disgusting I am on three prior occasions over the past couple of years. This time it was my apparent ugliness that explained my boyfriend woes.
‘Well no wonder P~ fell in love with S~ and dumped you! She’s beautiful!
‘What are you saying Mayor?’
“Well he’d never have a chance to sleep with a woman that beautiful otherwise!”
‘R~ you’re beautiful on the inside. Your personality shines blah blah blah.-repeat- So I love ‘ya!’ My Achilles heel is on fire. Was wishing he’d die in it at that point.
The guy gets mean when he drinks. He drinks a lot. Have to remember that.

Some people will never be happy. The only happiness they receive is by belittling others to make themselves feel superior. I don’t believe there’s a soul alive who hasn’t suffered random cruelty doled out by people with this character defect. I learned of a buttload more pathological goodness that the ex had dished out about me around this time. Thought about putting him in the Bonfire with The Mayor but I’m shrugging it off now. I forgive easily.

It was the Katrina before the calm. Karma has swung on back my way. The world’s axis has tilted in my favor. I’m that good. With friends like the ones I have, no one, and nothing, will run me over and leave me as roadkill again.
The Ouija site will get up and running. Am already beginning Hazmet clean-up of the credit debacle. Actively looking for a place to live, alone, and happily. Perhaps in San Francisco.

Need to keep on racking up those Good Karma Points. Mostly though, I don’t deal well with hate, being angry with people or mental gymnastics at 3:00 a.m.
Not only that, I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like me.

I do my best to help others. Whenever I can. I LIKE it! Making people happy is a rare opportunity. If you’re happy then I’m happy. While drinking I did my share of hurting people I love. As making my amends continues fate is casting a wink at me. My beloved Spankers and friends shocked, surprised and delighted the hell outta me with the power wheelchair. Who knew being sent to the electric chair would be so hot? Tears of joy kids. I’d do the same for any of these people, naturally. Just never believed that anyone would do something this extraordinary for me.
The morning of the Jazzy Chair Unveiling and Announcement I had awoken feeling destitute, trapped in a prison cell, in miserable pain, unable to get Ancient HTML Of The Gods to work, and of course fat and ugly.
The stunning generosity of friends immediately changed that downbeat shit to an air of strength that has not left me since.
I’m a card-carrying Genius, friends overflow with support and love, there is a roof over my head, it’s warm in here and I’m too sexy for my cat.
There’s a new chapter in life coming soon. I experienced a real miracle/transformation, found that alleged Bliss. It’s now 11:11 so here’s a wish: may everyone experience the highest of their dreams.
Even the Ex and The Mayor.

I don’t believe in gods but I do believe in people.
Thank you to everyone who helped, and thank you to everyone who Liked the page which was envisioned by Trenton and set up by eLeM (Lisa-Marie). I love you. So I can love myself. Long time.

~Miss R

Piracy on the High Seas! And High Desert!

Quick background to the last month. Quick being relative.
The slow one, think that uncle in the attic.

1. Herding 200 cats (the number of campers/members of Spanky’s Wine Bar: Burning Man). I  am the Bar Mistress.  Also known as the Bar Manager; instructor, finder of manly sized men as bouncers when need arises, and keeper of whips, paddles,  flogging instruments, bar backs(poor minions), wine bottle fillers-another post, keeper of spreadsheets for bar supplies, employer/HR for bar, well hell.
At least I don’t have to get topless. But I do.
Here’s a peek at the bar from 4th of Juplaya last year (58,000 people smaller than the Burn)…and look it’s my name in lights. Well, highlighted links at any rate. Yep… I’m (ta da!) Piano Wench

Here is the art installation I’m happy to work with when it burns on Friday- before the March Off (contest of all the marching bands on the playa -trust me there are at least 20 now but our  Burning Band was the first).

Anubis art installation. Fucking Fab

Wanna know HOW much perverse fun I have? Here’s the link to my camp and fine friends at Spanky’s Wine Bar 

2. Yet more back surgery last month. Have no idea if it helped but it hurt like fucking hell. Cried and screamed the entire procedure. Literally. No, Dr. Mengele II would not put me out totally.
On the plus side am having the other side of the spine done after Burning Man in September. Mengele admitted that he didn’t give me enough IV pain killers last time. It’s a Facet Joint Ablution. Basically searing the nerves at the base of my spine…. to inedible bacon. Lots of Percocet. Except I detest taking it. Have plenty of addictions now thank you very much.

Was at said doc’s office this week. Didn’t know but they do random drug tests. Hell, am on opiates per their prescription so can understand.
Office did one at my first visit three months ago. Gee hard to believe but it was clean. This time the nurse handed me two large (as in quirky/funny) purple dice similar to what I used to sell in my game store. Do NOT get me going on polys you gamer dweebs,  and told me to roll them.

Why? -said I
Random drug test, if you roll 3, 6 or 9 you have to be tested -said nurse
Laughed so hard it hurt. Used to be drug tested by Warner Brothers -as an Exec Producer. Told the GM back then that they should GIVE me drugs to improve scripts and shows. But I digress.

Rolled an 8. No pee-in-a-cup fun. Then advised her when they tested me at the next surgery I will have been on the playa for two weeks…. there might be a spike in the THC levels. She cracked up.

3. PIRACY!

So I go to check my bank account online -which ya do- and see that there are a shitload of ATM charges. Pick up the phone. As I’m waiting notice they are all Withdrawals.

Long story longer: My BEST girlfriend for 5 years stole my debit card, credit card (actually my mom’s credit but a card in my name for emergenies) and all of my cash. Plus a $20.00 chit from Silver Legacy. Don’t ask.

Refused to believe it was her -despite other friends telling me it must be due to the area the ATMs were located. Made police report, bank, etc. Finally the bank called and said they had two pics. It was her. My BEST friend. In the first picture you can see her face full on and in the second she must have realized that there may be a camera. She hid her face behind my money and my debit card. GUT PUNCH.

I barely live on disability and cannot make the bills. She knows this, and has always been very generous to me because of it. She’s has made a habit of taking me out to lunch once a week. We had lots of fun.

I loaned her $25.00 via PayPal several weeks ago because she said she had no money for gas or food for her or her 17 year old son. Never got it back. The day I found out about the theft was a wreck. Best friend (ha!) came over . Told me not to worry, don’t bother calling the police, she’d loan me 1K to make it through. Wellllllll never got a loan and I DID contact the police. It’s her.

She knows now that I know it’s her. No arrests have been made so am sure she’s making up fabulous stories. Have a room mate  now. The day she stole all of my cash/savings/rent/etc I had taken her to the bank to deposit my roomie’s half of the monthly bills. She saw me put in my PIN number several times that day. Bank ‘temporarily’ refunded what was taken via debit card -less $55.00 for the  fucking ‘deductible’ because it was a VISA debit?! three days ago-.

Am out nearly $150.00 between their ‘deductible’, the chit and my cash. Good deal. I make less than 1K a month on SSD.

All in all a Fab month kids. In the words of Howard Jones my hero and mentor in the 80’s…


Send hugs, kisses and booze to to the playa (Burning Man). If you send me your address I WILL send you back a postcard from the Burn. There is the Burning Man (Black Rock City) post office, If nothing else you can keep the fucker and sell it on eBay in a few years. Don’t ask me how I know this year will be valuable 😉

~Miss R
aka
Piano Wench
c/o Spanky’s Wine Bar
8:00 and Esplanade
Black Rock City, NV
89412

Where the HELL have you been?

Dear John,
Oh hell. Wrong document.

Dear Readers,
yours truly has been busy out of town every weekend; drinking the kool-aid flavored arsenic water, digging up sagebrush, painting , burning her lily-white Irish-Hebraic skin and this weekend another ‘work party’ for Spanky’s Wine Bar.

spanky's wine bar work party

Christopher Robin, Sir Wheezy and Piano Wench (yeppers me)

Too exhausted to read anything over the past month, which by extension means too exhausted to write. Hell, my assignment yesterday (out at Skunkworks) was to ‘be funny.’

True story. Was given the task of writing a ‘Burma Shave’ type series of signs. If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about then get the hell off of my lawn ‘ya damned kids.

Okay I’m pretty fucking funny. Ask any of the ex-husbands.No wait, ask the damned attorneys who have the cash, Anyway, amusing on command? Takes actual work. Have to say I was one of the two people delegated work inside the house. As opposed to outside in the 105F+ heat (yes really) working construction, painting, the usual pre-Burn manual labor.

Mercifully Lucky Bastard, who had a graphic to create, and yours truly, were privy to cold tasty malty beverages. Next to the swamp cooler. The Ha Factor rose exponentially for both of us after the keg was opened. Wait. Of soda. Yes. Giant metal container full of soda.

HALF of the Teeter Totter of Death: Demon Seed, Piano Wench Sir Wheezy

Would pass along a few of my better sign posts but it’s top secret. If you didn’t get the Skunkworks reference then you’re already lost. Happen to be out at Burning Man you may notice them out and about though within a mile of Spanky’s.

What the hell was this person thinking?
You call this funny?
You may remember.
It’s the wench from YoYo-Dyne
Burma Shave.

(Trust me my camp ones ARE funny. Pinkie swear)

Burning Man spanky's work party

Prison shower: Mayor Joey behind bars and Brett painting him into a corner

That’s it for now, and probably for a while. Still looking for the perfect free piano to haul into the desert come August. A piano player gotta play…. Tired of just the marching band, even though I’ll be doing that too.  Making costumes, hanging out with my fab daughter when we can, and seeing my very best friends during the dirt/no shower/lack of water/work parties. Being funny on demand too goddamit.

Big news tomorrow! New back pain management doc. Needle stuck into a nerve at the base of my spine. No sedation. If it works, I’ll get one more after this THEN the sedation and he’ll burn off the nerve endings. Good Times!

Kids, it never fucking ends.
Best Wishes to all. Remember: Keep the razor blades sharpened and the Hefty bags stocked.

~Miss R

A Pictorial Guide to Why I Live For Burning Man. NSFW

Yes, there IS a wine named after yours truly

So I was lucky enough to be gifted a ticket this year. It’s a testament to being kind to others, always be there to help anyone who needs it, friend or stranger, and follow the Ten Principles. Thank god nothing like the 12 Steps.

Here are a few of my fave shots from the past 8 years.

black rock city sign

Critical Tits 2008

Critical Tits

Only a small part of the experience. The rest can only be described as Disneyland for Adults. Clean and Sober or X and Other. Eat your heart out El Guapo heh. Left my naked bar dances out.

Bliss Dance

Bliss Dance: Best most beautiful, musical and lovely piece on the playa last year

oops ater bindage demo

Ah, forgot the PS on this one. Just finished being the ‘demo’ for our Japanese Rope Bondage Class

Burning Band

Burning Band Buds: Moi, David  Silverton of Tubatron fame (also an exec producer for The Simpsons for 20 years) and Birdsong from the New Orleans Jazz band Pair ‘o Dice.

Ancient Solemn Atheist Rain Dance

Ancient Solemn Atheist Rain Dance

Burning Man 2011

The Man burns on Saturday night. It can be seen from space and arrangements are made each year with the NSA to indicate this

4th of Juplaya, the Demon Seed, and yeah I’ve been absent

Yeah been a break here in the writing. Between having The Demon Seed here for 3 weeks (trip to SF to register for school and San Fransisco Pride Weekend -cool!) and our 4th of Juplaya foray it’s been nuts.

Your Truly smiling the day away

Your Truly smiling the day away

For The Demon Seed’s 18th Birthday I allowed her to attend 4th of Juplaya.
4th of Juplaya is a kinda of an  ‘underground’ Burner event. No tickets, no camps more than 50 people. Instead of 50,000 people at Burning man there are about 2000 people at the 4th of Juplaya.
Your next neighbor/camp may be 2 miles away. Not to mention no police, no police, fireworks (yes great mortars) a shooting range (yes firearms) and 3 springs.
We camped at Frog Pond, the hot pool. Another mile up the road is the cold pool. There’s another hot spring as well but it’s a bit ,uh, weedy.

Our camp, Spanky’s -yes the same as our famous Burning Man Camp- got permission to camp AT Frog Pond .And everyone on the playa eventually winds up there.

spanky's wine bar at 4th of Juplaya

Down time at Spanky’s

Got my ticket to Burning Man so more craziness to come. No. Really.

Still have pics to develop of Frog Pond, friends, and unusual acts of nature. Although…. no pics of the guy found one morning with the 13 inch cock handcuffed to the pond ladder; and passed out there all night. He finally woke up and was last seen beating feet(s) across the playa.

We decorated the pond with white Christmas  lights and had a campfire going every night as well.

Later Kiddies,

~Miss R

Frogbat at 4th of Juplaya

Frogbat 2011

I’m going to be middle-aged in November

Well, if I live to a hundred.
As you can see in the picture below I still haven’t given up my wicked ways. Well, not at Burning Man anyway. The guy next to me is the leader of our camp Spanky’s Wine Bar. Admiral Painjoy. This was taken at the Spanker’s Ball last year.

Rachael at Burning Man hanging with Admiral Painjoy

Moi at Burning Man hanging with Admiral Painjoy

Don’t know if the age thing is making me fucking berserk or just life in general. Woke up this morning  (hmmmm sounds like a bad blues song) and seriously considered making a list of my accomplishments, in order to jolt myself out of this creeping depression. C’mon. You spend 3 months in surgical recovery in constant pain restricted to your bedroom and your depression quotient would increase as well. Plus my kid is going off to college. Major Cabin Fever.

Then realized the list would take about a quarter of a page. Double spaced. In Number 2 pencil.
What the hell happened?
I was going to be the next Bette Midler (did start out playing piano and singing in gay bars in the LA area), but she had that niche down. Then thought Cole Porter, another hero. While I do love a good looking young man I prefer mine straight. So that was out.

Thought for a while I’d go the Dorothy Parker route. She was funny, drank and smoked too much, and her audience could never get enough of her witty writing and recorded banter. Hell she was even bi-polar. Realized that even at the peak of my blogging (about 2 years ago) my highest audience was 300 readers a day.
Besides, every time I met a guy and told him I was Bi he’d get an immediate boner…until I finished the statement with ‘polar.’

Considered Zelda Fitzgerald: another nutjob with vitality and wit. F. Scott used many of his character lines directly from Zelda’s words and actions. Except in my case it would be a husband who played second fiddle. This genius idea lasted until my second divorce, when I realized that both of the previous betrothed were leaching cretins. And those were their good points.

So music seemed to be it. Did my share of playing shows, some in venues which people have actually heard of.

Suddenly I was 30. What the hell? I’d done enough drugs, smoked enough ciggies and downed enough booze to kill at least three Irish villages. Yet…. I was still alive. How did this happen?
At this turning point I had a daughter. Not having made enough as a New York City financial vulture, nor musician or writer this was done on my own.
Oh the pain which could have been avoided by simply purchasing one at the local market.  the cost is tied in with the housing market.

Turned out it was the best and most important thing I’d ever accomplished at all. I quit drinking, ingesting illegal (or at least illegally obtained) pharmaceuticals and knocked off the ciggies as well.
And lost 75 pounds. And opened a thriving business. And some more shit I like to call ‘My Life as an Aging Punk Rocker Mom Entrepreneur Burner Half-Assed Writer Now Living on SSD Disability and What The Fuck Happened’

Look forward to my next installment ‘The List’
Hoping it will cheer me up as the razor blades are downstairs in the basement and my damned walker won’t fit in the stairway.

And of course my solemn pledge to you all: No more whining. Hell that’s worth the price of admission alone. OI!

walker locked to pole

~Miss R