The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

 Wait wait, the story doesn’t start here!  This is a blog hop, people!High Anxiety Blog Hop
Click HERE to start from the beginning.

 

 

I stepped closer. “Whoa! Is that what I think it is?!”

The Cretin Brothers took a step back. Disbelief shown on their ugly faces. Reaching around in the purse my hand found my lipstick tube. I flicked it open and pepper spray hit both of the ugly Midnight Movers.
“Ooops”  I said.

My heart thudded as the immediate arresting thoughts slammed me:

  1. I’d forgotten to re-stock the Xanax in this purse
  2. The phone number for 911 had completely escaped my mind
  3. That tube of lipstick had better not be lost. Revlon discontinued that shade
  4. The portable charger was easy to find in my bag
  5. We’re gonna need a bigger boat

As the ugly stick kids gagged and wiped at their eyes I hobbled over to the item they’d dropped. Tears of gratitude welled in my eyes. Bending down I grabbed the extension cord and plugged it into the charger. In an utterly selfless act I aimed the rounded end of the object towards Tall Guy’s tuchus. With a mighty push on the wheels a glow and hum began to emanate from the missile shaped package. They suddenly understood. Mascara running down his cheeks, Tall reached down to grab his ankles.

Short dark and ugly stood by and watched as the A-Bomb shot directly towards his comrade’s backside “Oh dear Gods! It’s a giant…..

Click HERE to continue the story!

 

Fuckin’ A Fridays: Zombie Edition

It’s Fuckin’ A Fridays!
Resurrected for your enjoyment. Now With More Brrraaaaains

Eternal pursuit of happiness

This week’s Interweb assemblage has been garnered via hours of intensive research. avoidance of the human race, procrastination (designing a new header for the blog), physically taxing duties (returning texts) and resisting the incursion and retreat of De Gaulle. And his bladder.

All the while sparing no expense, and at the risk of great bodily harm. Yes!
Dangerously and precariously balanced on the table next to Laptop Command Central totters the aging, dusty and cat hair entombed Stack of Death. A horrifying site of deforestation comprised of collection notices, medical bills, pleas for donations (sucks to be you), credit card offers from banks unaware of Miss R’s credit score, SSD paperwork, Medicare paperwork, and the abomination of them all: a six by 9 inch stack of papers, scraps of papers, and plasticized pieces of paper we like to call To Be Filed.

Never venturing far from YoYo-Dyne’s Secret Underground Bunker located somewhere in Reno, underground, here are the funniest and most amusingly WTF items uncovered this week.

einstein funnySource

Have finally managed to save time when visitors come by and want to ‘play’ my piano

How to play Jaws

Read one of those ubiquitous online directives ‘Pick up the book closest to you. Turn to Page 45. The first complete sentence describes your sex life for 2013.’  What I found was “Don’t hold your breath trying to get through.” How do it know?!

pulp fiction memeSource

That’s it for today. Tune in next week for the continuing saga ‘Getting Off Your Adorable Ass and Accomplishing Something Creative.’ Followed by our new segment ‘Defenestration, Power Bills, and You!’

~Miss R

A Plethora of Foolishness: A Guide to El Guapo

El Guapo: The Man. The Myth. The Misanthrope.

Today’s Music: Volga Boat Song/Let’s All Dance to Joy Division Mash-Up

You may think that you know El Guapo but you are mistaken my friend.
From his humble beginnings as an Irish Satanic Hindu living on the streets of Paris, selling matchbooks to wealthy Japanese tourists, his exploits continue to amaze the blogosphere.

Certainly he has Alpine skied the Great Lakes, surfed the titan swells of Barstow, and of course his most fabulous feat: Using his parachute but once during that historic dive from the highest most point of the roller coaster on Casino Pier atop Seaside Heights, NJ. AFTER Hurricane Sandy.

El Guapo is truly a living legend.

Here a few pointers you’ll need to truly enjoy Guapola, the home of El Guapo.

    1.

BYOB. This tip was passed along from an anonymous high school friend. Guap was once heard to mention over mystery meat and expired milk “Sonny won’t Cher” (sic).

    2.

The man loves Poles. Sadly he is Anti-Semantic in person and purposely taunts his ‘common’ readers with correctly placed semi-colons. Not to mention full bladders as he guzzles his daily beer intake. See Above. We are not aware of his full colon exploits.

    3.

The El Guano Cave: do not attempt to fund an expedition to his top secret location in Gotham. Although he does reveal his present whereabouts as The City he is in current litigation with next door neighbor, a Mr. Bruce Wayne. Court documents have been sealed but it appears that a conflict has arisen over bats in the belfry.

    4.

Never attempt to dissuade El Guapo from his taste in music. Do not laugh, condescend nor feed the animal. It is rumored that he once beat a 43 person crowd of Kenny G. fans to death with a small mammal. Another rumor has it that he used marsupial road-kill as back up.

    5.

His weekly Friday Foolishness blog posts are funded by The People’s Front of Judea. Do not mistake this organization for a Zionist conspiracy. Mr. Guapo appears to have chosen the name of this alleged charity organization in order to funnel money. Yes! The proceeds from his writing are wired into a Swiss bank account, via the Cayman Islands (where El Guapo purports to ‘surf’). Money is then transferred to the World Wide Organization for Flies and Sewage. DBA records show that this shell company is a wall shielding The Sally Struthers Anorexia and B-Actress Eradication Program. The man does not wish the world to know of his philanthropic slant.
What else can be said of this adventurer, explorer, giver and supporter of the underprivileged?

Well let’s check this shit out!

El Guapo Birthday Poll

Roman Polanski

El Guapo Readers I hope that this Primer helps your understanding of the madness and brilliance that is El Guapo.
Let us all wish him a Happy Birthday!

Visit Other Posts Celebrating Guapola Foolishness
AlexFrankGingerFightBackGingerSnaapH.E. EllisKanervaSuzanne,WeebsCheekyDivaEdward HotspurM3JoeH.R. Nightmare,LoveAndLunchmeatKayjaiLizzieCrackedRachaelODNTBrianLindaJohn,BenzekneesSandyLikeABeach

p.s. blame Red heh

Nerve Blocks and Other Fun Shit

marty feldman young frankenstein

Home from another visit to Dr Mengele. Note: not his real name.

His specialty is pain management which makes the mind wander to ‘why does every patient exiting the procedure suites appear worse than when they left the waiting room?’

Although I stayed at a Holiday Inn Suites six years ago I am not a doctor. Who am I to question such things?

Laying prone on the surgical table, panties pulled down, in a quite ignoble way,  to reveal my lower back and top of  a lily-white flat Irish-Hebraic ass he commenced sticking six shots of white hot Lidocaine into my lower back. To numb it.  What the fuck indeed.

Thankfully heeded mom’s advice and wore a pair of ‘wares with no holes or fading.

After said joy, the real fun commenced with the really long fucking scary needle. To probe the nerves. Playfully called a Paraspinal Facet Joint and Nerve Root Injection Block Test. When the real block is done the same procedure will be performed, but with IV sedation and the nerves will actually be burned off with a laser.

Damn, get to the point.
Okay, so I’m stretched out mumbling obscenities between gasps of pain and Mengele says ‘Hmmm seems as though you have a lot of pain up near where the scoliosis is prominent.’

‘Oh you must  have gotten the films back from the neurosurgeon’ I said.  He replied “No, look at the monitor’. So I did. Wow.

Doc says ‘Yeah, quite a spine curvature there.’
In a totally straight voice I stated…….‘What hump?’

He laughed so hard that the entire operation had to be halted for a minute.

Best fucking grin I’ve had in a week.

Be Well,

~Miss R

So You Wanna Know About Reno!

Reno: The Biggest Little City In The World

It’s very important that you know the Weather Forecast for Reno.  Luckily there are only two seasons!
Winter: Six months of bone-chilling cold, snow, five layer (clothing) dip and an unavoidable wish to die.
Summer: Six months of skull melting heat from that big shiny hurty thing in the sky, literally cooking eggs on the sidewalk, foxtails, ants and an unavoidable wish to die.

Hell, I’m not only a resident but a correspondent. Well used to be the latter.
The –redacted- Network had cretinous people that actually Paid Cash Money for text weather updates. This was the most boring and mind numbing facet of an otherwise kick-ass job. So, the asshats who couldn’t be bothered to look out the window in the morning would get a text advising that day’s weather.

Okay, for six months it’s fucking hot and sunny. For six months it’s fucking cold and/or snowing. Only had about 35 characters to work with so you can imagine the excitement of these mass texts. One day my mind went. On a July day sent out to thousands of subscribers ‘Hot. 90% Chance of Snow. High 135F. Low -65F’
Thank god my boss had a sense of humor. Seems a few people were actually confused and called in.

Second: Reno’s Economy

Reno Foreclosure Fun

Frankie, Dean and Sammy played the casinos here in Reno. Frankie owned a portion of one.
There was a Flamingo, Sands, two Hiltons, Hyatt, Fitzgeralds, and all of the originals that are no longer here.
Well some are here. Most of the others have been bulldozed or decaying on the strip.
Thanks to the northern California Indian casinos and utter Idiocy of the City of Reno.

Third:Average People of Reno

In late August there’s a world famous annual art event and temporary community in the desert outside of town..
Come October the citizens who couldn’t get tickets set fire to the city.

Fourth: Modest Mouse

One of the best heart-wrenching videos ever was filmed here.

Tune in later for Part Two: So You Wanna Know about Las Vegas; that other city in Nevada

~Miss R

listening to: Bette Midler; Radio City Music Hall Live 2004