The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

 Wait wait, the story doesn’t start here!  This is a blog hop, people!High Anxiety Blog Hop
Click HERE to start from the beginning.

 

 

I stepped closer. “Whoa! Is that what I think it is?!”

The Cretin Brothers took a step back. Disbelief shown on their ugly faces. Reaching around in the purse my hand found my lipstick tube. I flicked it open and pepper spray hit both of the ugly Midnight Movers.
“Ooops”  I said.

My heart thudded as the immediate arresting thoughts slammed me:

  1. I’d forgotten to re-stock the Xanax in this purse
  2. The phone number for 911 had completely escaped my mind
  3. That tube of lipstick had better not be lost. Revlon discontinued that shade
  4. The portable charger was easy to find in my bag
  5. We’re gonna need a bigger boat

As the ugly stick kids gagged and wiped at their eyes I hobbled over to the item they’d dropped. Tears of gratitude welled in my eyes. Bending down I grabbed the extension cord and plugged it into the charger. In an utterly selfless act I aimed the rounded end of the object towards Tall Guy’s tuchus. With a mighty push on the wheels a glow and hum began to emanate from the missile shaped package. They suddenly understood. Mascara running down his cheeks, Tall reached down to grab his ankles.

Short dark and ugly stood by and watched as the A-Bomb shot directly towards his comrade’s backside “Oh dear Gods! It’s a giant…..

Click HERE to continue the story!

 

2013: Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Happy New Year 2014

Welcome to the YoYo-Dyne 2013 Year in Review!

Is THIS your kitten?!

Cute Kitty picture

New Year’s Eve. A hot Little Black Dress, 8″ Steve Madden stilettos, my Silver Fox coat, a Vintage 1950’s clutch purse and Call-Girl-Red lipstick.
If this doesn’t impress the cat tonight nothing will.

Here are a few of my favorite things from 2013. A collection of Miss R’s best Tweets, original images, stolen images, a cute kitty and the naughty bits too.

Have a healthy happy New Year and remember: Everything happens for a reason. For instance, if you’re on fire it’s because I don’t like you

Miss R Tweets for You!

  • Does the five second rule apply to my dignity?
  • If you suffer a strange pain today just remember that thousands of people die from that every year
  • Do I have to water this poinsettia or will it die on it’s own?
  • I’m sorry I wore your baby as a hat
  • The “Mayday” button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the “Let me show you my Ass” button. That’s all I’ll use it for.
  • I like to live each day as thought it’s my last. This explains having no clean laundry and the unmade bed
  • Ex-husband Number One is now available on Aisle Two
  • Gravity has had it’s way with me. At least something has
  • Stop playing the victim. It’s not even a real instrument
  • You’re never too old to throw random shit in other’s shopping carts while they’re not looking
  • A Happy Spanksgiving to you all!
  • I’m in serious trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s
  • Sure, he’s just the pizza delivery guy. With chloroform and some quality time in the basement he’s the one
  • My phone just changed ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that
  • I like you, but not “I’ll let you out of the basement” like you.
This is The Demon Seed. My daughter as a junior in college looks just like I did as a junior in college.   We talk about her grad school choices, watch Doctor Who specials together, fight over the Fall Out Boy knee socks and worry about our white girl problems

This is The Demon Seed. 
We talk about her grad school choices, watch Doctor Who specials together, fight over the Fall Out Boy knee socks and worry about our white girl problems

I had my heart crushed into the bitter coffee of a Starbucks machiatto

I had my heart crushed into the bitter grounds of a Caramel Betrayal Macchiato

Found some really funny people on the Internet. Funny ha ha. the funny strange people are reading this post.

Found some really funny people on the Internet. Found some really strange people on the Internet.

Got sick of people confusing Bi-Polar with psychopath, bugfuck crazy, too lazy to ‘just be happy’ and/or sad just to make you angry. Eric at Black Box Warnings chose me to contribute a guest post on Bi-Polar disorder. Got a new therapist and a new sponsor this year.

Spent a rainy radical week in the Nevada desert for 4th of Juplaya and attended the work parties in preparation of Burning Man. Missed one work weekend to recover from completely unexpected gallbladder surgery… I can now eat any damned thing I like because the gallbladder is GONE.

Things got weird a few days before my yearly foray to Black Rock City in August. Had everything planned to spend the week before The Burn with my daughter and bestie Spankers setting up our theme camp. Then Burning Man itself. My yearly vacation to Magic, Family, Music, Art, Insanity, Bliss and Gratitude. Home.

Instead I spent the Burn in a hospital bed, paralyzed below the waist. Good times.
Today I exercise and stretch to keep those body parts in good working order. You never know when Tall Dark and Hebrew may come knocking on your door. WASP is good too.

Tomorrow is a new year. It doesn’t mean a new start but it implies a shove of momentum to me. We just won’t wake up tomorrow shiny and thin and rich.
Well you won’t but I still hold out hope.

Life is still funny. I’m still funny. The milk smells funny but there’s a cure for that. So I leave you with a tune and a wicked grin
Cheers to friends. Cheers to Life. Cheers for Tears…

Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives… and to the “good life”, whatever it is and wherever it happens to be.
-Hunter S. Thompson

Love, Cute Kitties and Porn
~Miss R

A Poem In the Key of Depression

crows in rain LG

I can beat anything. Conquer anything
From intellectual pursuits to stupid bar jokes
From Music to Skiing
It’s a proven fact and my humility is obvious as you can see

Sitting on the bed
Looking at the damned walker
Thinking of the fall last week that
I told no one about. No more hospitals

Knocked me out cold and caused a concussion
Followed by the first migraine ever
Followed the next day by
Electrical shocks all through my body and numbness

Fuck you body! Fuck you disease!

The truth is kicking my ass
Trying to wrap my broken brain around something
Walking again might not happen at a 30% chance
No dancing no man to love my life a nauseating carnival ride

During the third week in the hospital
Psychosis and hallucinations had stopped
Idiot physicians had jacked me full of steroids and was allergic
Read the records last week they note Explosive Personality

Well when I was drinking and in a black-out it was true
As I read through the charts I laughed
Laughter tinged with grim thoughts
There were no notes on a previous steroid reaction

One night I wandered out to the nurse’s station
And asked for a Cabernet and a Cigarette
Don’t Drink Don’t Smoke What do You Do?
Thought I was on a spaceship. With a bar. It’s so me.

My boyfriend of three years came to visit the third week
After the cognitive functions returned
He admitted after diligent questioning and lies
He had been with another for months. My heart, will and soul crushed then.

So I looked at those paralyzed legs that day
Sitting on the hospital bed going on three weeks
Looking at that damned wheelchair
Knowing he had been cheating on me, why he had not visited but twice and quickly

The number one cause of death from TM
Is Suicide.
Not failure of the liver or respiratory system or falls
Those are the silver, bronze and runner ups

Mom calls every day
She drives from California every two weeks
She does the laundry, prepares food for the freezer
Cleans the house and brings me Fresca which is nice

No longer can I cook, clean or hold anything for long
Taking a shower is a bitch. On a chair. Like a geriatric
Please wash my hair I’m so lonely and it hurts
Feel a burden and pathetic whiner to express these words to anyone

These are my thoughts after almost three months
Working hard each day with PT exercises
Trying to take a few steps no concussion please
Never able to get on my tippy toes again

Fuck you body! Fuck you disease!

Mom called last night and asked how I was
Told her about the anger the shocks, numbness the embarrassment of the steroid reaction
The worthless neurologist with no prognosis and no advice
Exhaustion of the body soul and nerve function and tear ducts

So Mom said Be Glad you were diagnosed so quickly
So what if that steroid caused the staff to treat you as a scary diagnosed psychotic
Your boyfriend was an abusive piece of shit. There is progress. There is no longer a wheelchair
You almost lost your life

And I answered
What Life?

A Serious Post from your usually Not Serious Bi Polar Writer

I was generously offered the opportunity to write a guest post for one of my favorite sites, Black Box Warnings. Some of you may have already  read the piece, but it is under my name, not YoYo-Dyne.

I hesitate to post it here, as it is very personal and not YoYo-Dyne material. It deals with mental illness and Bi-Polar Disorder, and not in my usual passing manner.

If you are interested you can find it here. http://blackboxwarnings.wordpress.com/2013/06/03/heavy-mental-2/

Thank you to my readers… this post will probably cost me a few heh. Damn, I just hit 1000 readers/follows this weekend too. Yay me!

Take Care,

~Miss R

Fuckin’ A Friday!

so kinky wrong greeting card

As Friday Foolishness has been usurped by El Guapo, and Friday Follies™ by Red, we here at YoYo-Dyne present: Fucking A Fridays! As this blog will never see the light of the Freshly Pressed page (some wargarble regarding  inappropriate language) this seemed the only possible title available.

As your Bi-Polar and Bi-Coastal host it’s a toss-up to see if this weekly posting can be kept alive. Or, at least zombified. This column is dedicated to Miss R’s Weekly Weirdest/Most Disturbing/Funniest/Offensive/Musical Best of the Interwebs.  The list is limited to graphics and videos viewed during the preceding week.

WARNING: All have the potential to amuse, amaze, agitate, alliterate (didn’t see that coming did you), nauseate, masturbate or Sharon Tate. No Refunds. All Rice Must be consumed with Nigiri orders. You Must Be This Tall To Ride. One Coupon Per Table.

Okay Roll ‘em!

Mr_Noodle

Hell On Heels –Poppin’ Pills

too-stupid-to-understand-science-try-religion-856499612-800x800

Below is a shiny video courtesy of Mr. Autin from his homage to El Guapo

die alone

shit glitter

homeless warehouse whore

Hope you’ve enjoyed this inspirational quote to begin your weekend. Until next time…
~Miss R

Nothing Much

Graphic courtesy of Marcus at brainlesstales.com

Am clearly on unscheduled hiatus.

Current unopened mail in the YoYo-Dyne Email Inbox: 306. This does not count the 30 or so that have been opened and not answered or viewed.

Love you all. I do not subscribe to random or ‘please add me!’ blogs. Only read those that draw me in. Writers who are savvy, funny, and left of center. You know who you are.

The Demon Seed (aka my brilliant daughter) is visiting for two weeks. The Best.
Life itself, as in day to day, financial, physical, emotional has gone sideways on too many tangents too personal to mention.

Promise to catch up, absorb all of your fabulous words, and find a way out in another week or so.

Miss all of your emotions, tales, vivisections, views and blues. See you soon. In the words of Miss Vega…

If you want me
You can find me
Left of center
Off of the strip

In the outskirts
In the fringes
In the corner
Out of the grip

When they ask me
“What are you looking at?”
I always answer
“Nothing much” (not much)
I think they know that
I’m looking at them
I think they think
I must be out of touch

But I’m only
In the outskirts
And in the fringes
On the edge
And off the avenue
And if you want me
You can find me
Left of center
Wondering about you

I think that somehow
Somewhere inside of us
We must be similar
If not the same
So I continue
To be wanting you
Left of center
Against the grain

If you want me
You can find me
Left of center
Off of the strip
In the outskirts
In the fringes
In the corner
Out of the grip

When they ask me
“What are you looking at?”
I always answer
“Nothing much” (not much)
I think they know that
I’m looking at them
I think they think
I must be out of touch

But I’m only
In the outskirts
And in the fringes
On the edge
And off the avenue
And if you want me
You can find me
Left of center
Wondering about you
Wondering about you

~Miss R

Holidays! Suicide Rates Up! Corporations Thrilled!

It’s actually a myth that suicide rates increase during the holiday season. Same type of urban myth that  insists crime goes up during a full moon.

Sounds Pagan and cool though eh?

Bummer for the Insurance conglomerates.
No more threats of paying out for medical costs until Spring. Party on Doctor Garth.

Paging Dr. Howard, Paging Doctor Fine….

It's a Wonderful Life

Here’s a cheery fucking Christmas ditty. Decided to ditch the Haiku this year.

The perfect picture
Great film and memories most dear
No lighted angel nor pine bough
No comfort this year
Maybe a bell will ring
Maybe I’ll answer
and get my wings

Cheers to all of you celebrating without loved ones; gone and remembered or far away and felt.
Let’s enjoy that tuna sandwich, dearth of lights joy and family. A new year is coming. Make it through the night.

Miss R